Saturday, June 22, 2013

That Amazing Moment When You Don't Expect Someone to Notice You and then Someone Notices You

When I was eleven years old, I started having serious issues with my best friend, a friend I had had literally since the day I was born. She started going to youth, and it seemed to me that she thought she had turned sixteen and was suddenly so much more mature than me. My youngest sibling is two years older than me, and at the time most of my friends were also older than me. When I was eleven I always wished that I was twelve. Funny thing is, when I was twelve I wished that I was eleven. I just wanted to be in youth and in debate with my siblings. It felt like they were always doing things while I sat at home doing diddley-squat.

Anyways, since most of my friends were older than me, most of them went to at least one of the two youth groups my siblings went to. So because of my jealousy, I distanced myself from almost all of my friends. So by the time I was twelve, I had become so angry at my friends because they were older than me, I wished I had been born just a year earlier so I could keep going to Mix56, a thing at the church I go to. Since the church I go to is a 'mega church,' I didn't feel any pressure to make any friends. I could go and listen to the message without anyone leaning over and whispering in my ear. I could always sit in the front row because there was always at least one spot left. When I turned twelve and went into the seventh grade and into youth group, I found myself without any friends, because I was so jealous and angry and I separated myself from them.

I, of course, blamed everyone but me for this terrible injustice of leaving me out. I believed that everyone was intentionally leaving me out. Because I was younger, because I wasn't as pretty, because I wasn't skinny enough, because I wasn't perfect enough. This was not true, as I later found out. This was the same year that I could've done speech, almost did speech, but didn't do speech. I only went to 2 1/2 tournaments. The Go Light Your World tournament, in Tyler, and the Irving Classic, in Irving. Duh. There was one other tournament I went to, but that was a weird, small, annoying tournament at a church which carries memories of a child throwing up at VBS.

Humorously enough, the only person I hung out with at GLYW was my best friend's little brother Daniel, who I started calling Gus at that tournament. He was seriously the only person I hung out with. I thought that God was teaching me that I don't need friends, and that I only need Him. I would like to tell you now that that is not true. I know, I know, all we need is God. I don't really know how to say this without sounding redundant. Having good, God-honouring, you edifying, encouraging friends is one of the ways God shows His love and other aspects to us, or at least for me. I thought that God was showing me that Jesus was my best friend by depriving me of friends. I thought He was showing me that it was okay that people were leaving me out. Ha! Boy was I wrong.

My brother, Conner, ended up breaking (advancing) to finals in Team Policy, after struggling for two years to break at all. His partner, Emily, was one of those friends who I had distanced myself from due to jealousy. I was really excited for them, and was sitting in the front row as the round was about to start. Hannah, my aforementioned best friend, was finally paying attention to me and we were going to watch the round together. Now, TP finals takes awhile to start because they're getting judges. While we're waiting, Hannah gets up to powder her nose. So I'm sitting there, glancing around awkwardly, because I'm a homeschooler, and we're awkward people. And as I am glancing around, I catch the eye of the boy next to me.

I knew who this boy was. You see, he's an actor. Like, professionally. He was the voice of Linus in Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown. He was also on Barney for multiple years. So while he isn't famous technically, he was famous to me since he was famous in our club, and he was friends with my brother Conner, so I knew who he was. I had seen him at the few club meetings I had been at, and at the Christmas party. He was famous in our club. So. Moving on.

Wait, I have another side note. At this tournament, on all of the nametags was written, 'Hi, I'm (insert name here), what's your name?' This was because the tournament was in the memory of this kid named Chandler, of Jimmy or something, and he wrote on his bunk bed. And one of the things we wrote was, 'Hi, I'm Jimmy. What's your name?' So that was on all the nametags to make people meet each other. So I went around, praying that someone would introduce themselves to me. This is another thing that made me think God was teaching me that I didn't need friends, because despite the tournament's best efforts, not one person I didn't know had talked to me beyond offering their thanks for my timing abilities. Until now.

He extends his hand to me. "Austin Lux." He says. (Yes, the same Austin from this post.) I take his hand. "Hadley Jones." I say. Is someone talking to me? I think. Is this happening? Is someone, Austin Lux no less, talking to me? No one ever talks to me! They all exclude me! They ignore me! Unless they're Gus, then they don't. But whatever! Everyone hates me and excludes me and never even ever talks to me ever! We start bobbing our heads awkwardly because we're homeschooled, and as previously stated, homeschoolers are a tad bit awkward. I glance around again, trying to find something interesting to say. That's when I see it. My brother. On the stage. Preparing for the round to start. That's sort of kind of a little interesting. More interesting than saying, 'I have no friends, please be my friend. Please please please please please.' He's friends with Conner. Clearly, this will interest him more than me begging him to be my friend. So I say, "I'm Conner's brother.'

Go read that again. If you don't have it by now, read it again. Still don't get it? Read it over and over until you get it. Got it? Good. Austin, of course, realizes my mistake before I do. As soon as I realize my misstep, I gasp and cover my mouth and nose with my hands, blushing. I am a very easily embarrassed person. Like, really easily. It's stupid how easily embarrassed I am. And I always remember those embarrassing moments, and there are a lot. Which is why I remember all this so clearly. I'm more easily embarrassed than..... something that's easily embarrassed.

So we're sitting there, laughing over my tiny little mistake. "Well," Austin says. "My sister Ben totally pwned at junior speech." What? I think. What did he just say? Why is he speaking these things? Why isn't he leaving me to drown in my embarrassment like everyone else does? Why didn't he ignore me like everyone else in the first place? Not only did he introduce himself to me, he didn't just let me be embarrassed.

Funny how someone noticing me and including me taught me that I had been excluding myself, that I didn't have any friends because I wasn't being a friend. I was being a jealous little angry who hated everyone because I hated myself for not being them. But here's the thing: I never had anything to be jealous of because God made me the way He made me, when He made me for a specific reason. And I've seen some of those reasons over the past couple of years.

Moral(s) of the story: Being jealous of your friends kills relationships, so don't be jealous. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, God made you the way He made you for a reason. To have friends, you have to be a friend. And last, (and probably least) vote affirmative.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I Am Not Beautiful. I am not Gorgeous. I am as Radiant as the Sun.

Beautiful for Me - Nicole Nordeman

Today I went to this thing that my friends Maria and Julia put on. It was called Camp Pretty Purposeful. (Website here.) Basically, a whole bunch of different speakers that you can see on the website, came to this event and spoke to us, a bunch of teenage girls. I won't go into a whole lot of detail, except for what one of the speakers said that really affected me.

Jennifer Strickland is a former super model. After getting out of that lifestyle and being saved by Jesus, she still struggled with insecurities. The detrimental life of a model had taken its toll. Since she had anorexia she had back skin. Her health had been damaged and she still had bad acne. In fact, she had these really awful under-the-skin sores that would get infected. Every time she tried lotions it just got worse. Finally, she went to a world renowned dermatologist to get a prescription that would work. The doctor looked at her and told her: 'You need to stop looking in the mirror. For one month, don't look at your reflection.' She didn't think he was serious, but she went on a forty day mirror fast. About fifteen days in without looking at her reflection at all, her son's preschool teacher told her, 'you look radiant.' Her not looking at herself actual improved her appearance.

Isn't that crazy? When we focus on our heart instead of our pants' size, people notice. If you're kind to people, if we show we really care, then they don't see our acne or frizzy hair, they see you. I have absolutely nothing against wearing cute clothes, wearing make-up, doing your hair. But I do have something against focusing on those things. If we remember that the way God made us is beautiful, it shows. We, like Jennifer, look radiant. Always, always, always, always, remember that no matter who you are, you are beautiful.

Vote affirmative, you radiant person.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

When There is Suddenly a Proverbial Bend in the Proverbial Road of Life


I'm back! I wasn't actually gone for as long as I said I would be, but I'll explain. I didn't write for the blog (that word is so dumb :P) all last week because I was feeling a bit depressed. Let me explain.

First off, let me explain what MPACT is. MPACT (Making People Aware of Christ's Truth) is where a bunch of different youth groups from around Texas go to some town in Texas. There are 250-300 kids every year. We go around doing different service projects like painting houses, doing yard work, etc. etc. It's usually very hot. I mean, it is Texas. So it's very hot. But we do it to Make People Aware of Christ's Truth, not so we can relax in the air conditioned gyms. Which reminds me. We sleep on gym floors. If you're smart, you bring an air mattress. So. Back to my story.

Ever since NITOC, I've had a bit of a sore throat. It wasn't really worth mentioning, so I didn't. I didn't tell anyone. Not my mother, not my youth leaders. Anyways, we left on Saturday at around 2:00 to go to Florence, which has population of 1,136. That is 1/200 of the size of my town. Anyways, the drive up there was fun. The youth leader asked us some fun questions and we answered. Somehow the question: 'what is the most awkward position you've been in?' came up. I told this REALLY awkward, embarrassing story about me and LB. You'll remember him from my last post. We got to the really small town and arrived at the really small middle school. Nothing that big happened.

Next day. I get up. I slept horribly because, as I mentioned before, I was sleeping on an air mattress on a gym floor. And there were these emergency lights that wouldn't go off. And the air conditioner screamed bloody murder every single time it came on. When I wake up that morning, my throat hurts like insanity and I have a headache and I'm exhausted. So pretty much I feel like crap.WAIT. I take that non-homeschool appropriate word back. I pretty much feel like crud. That's better. Anyways, I feel awful. Me and my group goes to this really, really, really, really small little country church that is filled with old people with country accents. It was cool. Would've been better if I had felt better.

After we got back to the tiny school for lunch, I felt even worse. My youth leader found out and I had to stay from going to see my worksite with my group. Instead I kind of laid down on my air mattress in the gym and didn't really sleep, and then I took a shower. After that, I felt well enough to go to dinner with my work team. After I got back, I had to stay back from that night's worship and message. That was really depressing, especially with the possibility of my getting sent home early.

I ended up staying at someone's actual house that night so I had a better chance of getting better. I did sleep really well, but I still had a high fever that morning. We called my mother and decided that I had to go home.

You have no idea how upset I was. I trudged to the gym and tearfully started packing my bags. I thought about how I was missing out on getting paint in my hair, getting to know my work team members, getting to worship with all those other kids, getting sunburned, crying as I have a 'come to Jesus' moment, all those things that I experienced last year that I'd miss out on this year because I'm getting sent home five weeks early, having barely done anything worthwhile at all. Sarah, my youth leader, came into the gym to see how I was doing. Upon seeing my tears, she inquired as to why I was shedding them. "I have to go home." I barely managed to say. She hugged me and asked if I wanted her to stay. I told her she could go. A little later, my sister came and wished me farewell, and then I said goodbye to my brother and my other youth leader. After they all left I started reading the book I brought as I waited 2+ hours for my mom to get there. It was possibly the loneliest two hours of my life.

I couldn't understand how on earth anything good could come out of me leaving. In my head I knew that everything would be okay, but my heart just wasn't getting the memo. What could possibly be better than MPACT? I didn't get it. I asked God to show me why this happened. My tears dried as I focused on my book, but when my mother got there, they returned.

We didn't talk a lot on the way home. I didn't feel like it. We stopped at Braums and I ate chilli and ice-cream. The drive home wasn't that long, and when I got back home, I got on 'my' laptop and watched Monk while writing my book.

I'm still not sure why this happened. Being home wasn't entirely depressing, I guess, but maybe I would've rather been at MPACT. Maybe one day I will figure out why. But for now I have to trust that God's plan is better than mine. Everything I expected MPACT to be turned out waaay different than I thought it would. I never planned on getting sick, I never planned on going home almost a week early. But I have to trust that God's plan is better than mine, even when it seems like leaving MPACT is so terrible. Trust is hard, especially when you can't see what you're trusting.

Like that. I can't see the whole stair case, but I'm still walking down it. How? I don't know, it's an analogy. Analogies don't make sense. Especially in debate. Speaking of debate....
Vote affirmative. It's for the best.

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Home School Musical Three - [My Brother's] Senior Year

It's the thing we've been waiting for all this time...
Brace yourself for the awesomeness.
I will make this happen. We'll film it with my mom's iPhone. It will be magical. And about a debate tournament. Moving on to the point of this post.

My brother was a senior this year, and thus graduated. So we had a party. We also celebrated three other peoples' graduation, but whatever. The point is there was a party. And it was fun. And that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Just kidding. That would be a totally lame post. Well, not totally lame, to the (totally unedited) picture. So. Let's start from Thursday. Or yesterday. I don't know when I'll actually post this. For all I know, it could be a week from now. But whatever. Moving on. I was drafted to set up tables. We moved those tables like, eight times per table. And there were about twelve tables. So that's... 96 table movings. That's waay too many. And we set up tables.... for hooooouuuuurrrrs. Seriously. Hours. Toooo looooong. 'Let's move them this way!' Mrs. Martin says enthusiastically. 'NO THIS WAY!!!' She says a moment later. 'Bring that chair to the table.' She says. "NOT THAT TABLE!" She says a moment later. That's basically what happened. For four hours. No joke. No exaggeration (okay, maybe a little). My mom/Adam/Mrs. Martin argue about whether or not we should have the grads sit on the stage, or in the front row. 'Sarah (our youth pastor) will want to talk to them, and that'd be weird if she wasn't looking at them whilst giving her speech.' My mom says. (I don't think she actually said whilst. But let us pretend that she did.) 'Oh, but everyone needs to look at them.' Mrs. Martin says. 'Well, Adam wants to just sit on the front row.' My mom says. I had the brilliant idea of getting life-size cardboard cut-outs and putting those on the stage while the actual people sit down on the front row. But no. We (*coughcoughmrsmartincoughcough*) decide to put them on the stage. No cardboard cut-outs for this graduation.

Graduation Party Day:
I read my Bible. I eat breakfast. I check all two of my emails. I look at Doctor Who memes. My mother commands me to go and pack for MPACT. (More on that later. Like, next week.) I turn on my 94.9 tunes and hop to it. I grab a collection of totally adorable outfits, as well as a couple of work shirts. But that's irrelevant. I finish packing then look at Doctor Who/Hunger Games memes to kill time until I can start getting ready for the party. I had already decided my outfit for the party when I was packing for MPACT. So. Finally. The time comes for me to get ready. I put on my foundation. I try to avoid breaking my glasses even more so. I put on my eye-shadow. I put on my mascara. I do my hair. I re-do my hair after changing from my Hello Kitty t-shirt and shorts to a skirt and cute shirt and cute leggings. (I can't wear skirts without leggings. Modest is hottest. ;) ) I put on my cute spring wedges. I look at more Doctor Who memes, waiting for the moment when we leave. And the moment comes.

We arrive at the Church. The Martin's are already there, Hannah looking super gorgeous. Daniel... being Daniel. My friends Jo(sephine) and Liberty are there, since their mother is a professional cake baker and brought highly delicious cupcakes. We stand around doing pretty much nothing because we got there early. Then... it begins.

A highly delicious cupcake. ☺
First my brother introduces his sister from another mister, Sarah Nutter, our youth pastor. And she forces them off the stage so she can actually talk to them. (Remember that conversation? Yeah. T'was in vain.) And Sarah rips her heart out and serves it to them. (Well, not literally. But you get the picture.) She nearly cries, but holds back the tears. (Until she sits down and is out of the public eye, that is.) Then the slide-shows start.

When my brother's starts playing, I think my mom must be crying her poor little motherly eyes out. She talks before my dad and the water works break and we have to put up a sign warning people of the wet floors. She barely manages to get through before my dad takes over and talks for about half as long as my mom. Blahblahblah, tears tears tears.

FINALLY (okay, it wasn't that bad. It was a nice ceremony.) we get to go eat *cringe* brisket. FYI, brisket is grody (gross). So I ate baked beans and potato chips. I do like me some potato chips. They are much tastier than brisket. But I can barely focus of my food because I'm too worried if a certain person is here. If you know what I mean. *Wink wink.* And I'm totally loopy and ramble-y whilst I'm speaking with my friends. Like, really loopy and I don't know why. Then I see certain someone's brother. At least I think it's his brother. I'm almost positive that it is. YES! It is! It is his brother! That means that that certain someone is here! Then I see the certain someone. (Hereby known as KB. Not his initials, BTW.) I only see the back of his head, but I'd recognize it anywhere. I finish my food and stand to go throw my plate away and get more lemon-aid. I strut on my heels and break through the line in order to throw my plate away. Once I have completed this task, I walk over to the drink table and wait for the line to progress enough so I can refill my cup. Suddenly my legs have decided that they no longer wish to retain their job of holding me up and I begin to fall. Dumb bunny heels! I think. Thou hast betrayed me! Just when I think I won't fall all the way down, I proceed to do exactly that.
Hannah Martin: ARE YOU OKAY???
Me: I'M FINE!
My TP Partner: Hahahaha Are you okay, Hadley?
Me: I'M FINE!
My TP Partner: Okay hahahahahahahaha.
After recovering what is left of my dignity, which had been scattered about the floor when I fell, I walk back to the other side of the fellowship hall and sit with my friends. I eventually leave the hall and walk outside where more tables for eating have been placed. I sit with my stunningly gorgeous friend Hannah and inquire on how she is doing this fine evening. I kill time until it is time for *......dramatic pause......* the dance party.

It's slow at first, of course. Only a few of my crazy friends are dancing. I somehow manage to get them to do the Macarana to every single song that played. "What have I done..." I think as they start doing the Macarana to Baby. Then the DJ (my sister) does something impeccably intelligent: she plays the Cupid Shuffle. That, of course, gets everyone's attention. I dart over and take my place for the dance to begin. I temporarily forget how to dance to this song. (Don't judge me. I hadn't been to a dance party since like, November.) But only temporarily. After a moment it all came flooding back. To the right (x4) to the left (x4) now kick (x4) now do something and turn! After that I die because that song is so exhausting.

Once I'm sure that all my vitals have returned to normal, I start dancing again. And by dancing, I mean trying my best not to look like a total idiot. That is very hard at homeschool dance parties. Then a slow song plays. I am standing relatively near to KB, hoping he might possibly ask me to dance. But noooooo. He just goes and dances with every other girl but ME. Well, not every other girl. But most of them. Now, I admit I was partially responsible for not dancing with him. But it's 90% his fault. Why?? I think. Why won't you dance with meeeee? So I just sat and depressedly watched them dance. I tried walking near him whenever a slower song played but no. He just dances with everyone else. And I continue to dance with my friend who is not a boy, and is definitely not KB. And then he leaves and it's too late. And then we have to stay for another hour cleaning up.

'VACUUM!' Mrs. Martin says. 'NO! Count chairs! Wash tables even though there were table cloths on them! Pick that icing up!' Eventually my cousin takes me home so I can write this exceptionally long blog post. (I still hate that word. Blog. Yuck.) I am thoroughly exhausted, but manage to stay up for two more hours doing two things: Making the Home School Musical picture, and writing this blog post. At around one, my dad commands me and my youngest but still older than me brother to sleep because I'm going on a mission trip this week and I would already be exhausted enough.

And thus concludes my fun yet slightly depressing experience of my brother's graduation party. Now vote affirmative. While I'm going to go make Home School Musical a reality. 

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Stealing Pages from the Books of the Amazing People I Call My Friends

Whenever we hang out with people a lot, we start to become like them. It's inevitable. The more you hang out with them, the more you are them. In a way. You start talking like them, laughing like them, dressing like them, liking what they like, writing how they write, reading what they read, watching what they watch, listening to what they listen to, etc. etc. Why? Because we hang out with those people for a reason, weather that reason be for popularity, or just to have someone to hang out with. I have friends for the latter. Popularity is soooo over rated. Haha, I'm such a hipster. :P

Anyways, friends are really great. If they're good friends. If not, then they're not so great. Then they're not really even friends. They're just jerks who hang out with you. Don't hang out with jerks. They're jerks. Moving on. Real, non-jerk friends are great for a few reasons. Here are those few reasons:

Reason One: They Understand You

I once asked myself, 'why are all my friends so crazy and insane?' After a moment of deep thought, I answered: 'because I'm just as crazy and insane as they are!' It's true. Some people see me and can't get past my crazy-nut-ness. But some people care enough to get past my crazy-nut-ness and see me for who I really am: a crazy nut. But they also see past that and see the deeper parts of my personality, that involves less craziness and more seriousness. These people are brave. Very, very brave. And crazy. 90% of my friends are crazy. That 10%? They're still very brave.

Reason Two: They Don't Make Fun of You

When I say that, I don't mean that they don't tease you. Because they do. At least mine do. But they don't do it in a mean way. A good friend will never poke at your insecurities. And if they do, then they're just jerks. And jerks are jerks. Obviously. You can be honest with them and they won't make fun of your issues. They understand because they have issues too, and they're honest about their issues too. You can share your feelings without fear of judgment.

Reason Three: They Help You Laugh at Yourself

Friends don't make fun of you, but they do tease you. In a good, non-annoying way. One time, on my best friend's 11th birthday, I went to her volleyball game. Since it was her birthday, there were cupcakes involved. And those cupcakes had neon pink icing. Now, clarification: I am very, very easily embarrassed. It's sad and embarrassing and how easily I get embarrassed. Now, back to pink icing. Somehow, someway, I managed to get this stuff all over my face. And it wouldn't come off. And my best friend (and her mother) helped me to laugh at myself in this situation.


That is what all my friends who know who I like do to me. Of course, I do it to them, as well. And it's hilarious. My friends are constantly teasing me about my crush. It's kind of hilarious.

And that's why friends are great, among other reasons. Yep. Friends that aren't jerks are awesome. And awesome people are great. And that's why we act like them. We want to be great people too. Because great people are awesome. And I'm being very redundant right now. And rambley. Very, very rambley. I should stop now. So there. The end.

Now, be a good friend and vote affirmative.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

That Amazing Moment When You See These Fantastic, Adorable, Brilliant Creatures From Heaven (The Sequel)

Yesterday, I made you melt into a puddle. I shall do the same today. :)
Brace yourself for extreme cuteness.











I think I'm done now.
Those things are insanely cute.
CUTE.
CUTE.
CUTE.
Now vote affirmative.