That Amazing Moment When You Don't Expect Someone to Notice You and then Someone Notices You

When I was eleven years old, I started having serious issues with my best friend, a friend I had had literally since the day I was born. She started going to youth, and it seemed to me that she thought she had turned sixteen and was suddenly so much more mature than me. My youngest sibling is two years older than me, and at the time most of my friends were also older than me. When I was eleven I always wished that I was twelve. Funny thing is, when I was twelve I wished that I was eleven. I just wanted to be in youth and in debate with my siblings. It felt like they were always doing things while I sat at home doing diddley-squat.

Anyways, since most of my friends were older than me, most of them went to at least one of the two youth groups my siblings went to. So because of my jealousy, I distanced myself from almost all of my friends. So by the time I was twelve, I had become so angry at my friends because they were older than me, I wished I had been born just a year earlier so I could keep going to Mix56, a thing at the church I go to. Since the church I go to is a 'mega church,' I didn't feel any pressure to make any friends. I could go and listen to the message without anyone leaning over and whispering in my ear. I could always sit in the front row because there was always at least one spot left. When I turned twelve and went into the seventh grade and into youth group, I found myself without any friends, because I was so jealous and angry and I separated myself from them.

I, of course, blamed everyone but me for this terrible injustice of leaving me out. I believed that everyone was intentionally leaving me out. Because I was younger, because I wasn't as pretty, because I wasn't skinny enough, because I wasn't perfect enough. This was not true, as I later found out. This was the same year that I could've done speech, almost did speech, but didn't do speech. I only went to 2 1/2 tournaments. The Go Light Your World tournament, in Tyler, and the Irving Classic, in Irving. Duh. There was one other tournament I went to, but that was a weird, small, annoying tournament at a church which carries memories of a child throwing up at VBS.

Humorously enough, the only person I hung out with at GLYW was my best friend's little brother Daniel, who I started calling Gus at that tournament. He was seriously the only person I hung out with. I thought that God was teaching me that I don't need friends, and that I only need Him. I would like to tell you now that that is not true. I know, I know, all we need is God. I don't really know how to say this without sounding redundant. Having good, God-honouring, you edifying, encouraging friends is one of the ways God shows His love and other aspects to us, or at least for me. I thought that God was showing me that Jesus was my best friend by depriving me of friends. I thought He was showing me that it was okay that people were leaving me out. Ha! Boy was I wrong.

My brother, Conner, ended up breaking (advancing) to finals in Team Policy, after struggling for two years to break at all. His partner, Emily, was one of those friends who I had distanced myself from due to jealousy. I was really excited for them, and was sitting in the front row as the round was about to start. Hannah, my aforementioned best friend, was finally paying attention to me and we were going to watch the round together. Now, TP finals takes awhile to start because they're getting judges. While we're waiting, Hannah gets up to powder her nose. So I'm sitting there, glancing around awkwardly, because I'm a homeschooler, and we're awkward people. And as I am glancing around, I catch the eye of the boy next to me.

I knew who this boy was. You see, he's an actor. Like, professionally. He was the voice of Linus in Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown. He was also on Barney for multiple years. So while he isn't famous technically, he was famous to me since he was famous in our club, and he was friends with my brother Conner, so I knew who he was. I had seen him at the few club meetings I had been at, and at the Christmas party. He was famous in our club. So. Moving on.

Wait, I have another side note. At this tournament, on all of the nametags was written, 'Hi, I'm (insert name here), what's your name?' This was because the tournament was in the memory of this kid named Chandler, of Jimmy or something, and he wrote on his bunk bed. And one of the things we wrote was, 'Hi, I'm Jimmy. What's your name?' So that was on all the nametags to make people meet each other. So I went around, praying that someone would introduce themselves to me. This is another thing that made me think God was teaching me that I didn't need friends, because despite the tournament's best efforts, not one person I didn't know had talked to me beyond offering their thanks for my timing abilities. Until now.

He extends his hand to me. "Austin Lux." He says. (Yes, the same Austin from this post.) I take his hand. "Hadley Jones." I say. Is someone talking to me? I think. Is this happening? Is someone, Austin Lux no less, talking to me? No one ever talks to me! They all exclude me! They ignore me! Unless they're Gus, then they don't. But whatever! Everyone hates me and excludes me and never even ever talks to me ever! We start bobbing our heads awkwardly because we're homeschooled, and as previously stated, homeschoolers are a tad bit awkward. I glance around again, trying to find something interesting to say. That's when I see it. My brother. On the stage. Preparing for the round to start. That's sort of kind of a little interesting. More interesting than saying, 'I have no friends, please be my friend. Please please please please please.' He's friends with Conner. Clearly, this will interest him more than me begging him to be my friend. So I say, "I'm Conner's brother.'

Go read that again. If you don't have it by now, read it again. Still don't get it? Read it over and over until you get it. Got it? Good. Austin, of course, realizes my mistake before I do. As soon as I realize my misstep, I gasp and cover my mouth and nose with my hands, blushing. I am a very easily embarrassed person. Like, really easily. It's stupid how easily embarrassed I am. And I always remember those embarrassing moments, and there are a lot. Which is why I remember all this so clearly. I'm more easily embarrassed than..... something that's easily embarrassed.

So we're sitting there, laughing over my tiny little mistake. "Well," Austin says. "My sister Ben totally pwned at junior speech." What? I think. What did he just say? Why is he speaking these things? Why isn't he leaving me to drown in my embarrassment like everyone else does? Why didn't he ignore me like everyone else in the first place? Not only did he introduce himself to me, he didn't just let me be embarrassed.

Funny how someone noticing me and including me taught me that I had been excluding myself, that I didn't have any friends because I wasn't being a friend. I was being a jealous little angry who hated everyone because I hated myself for not being them. But here's the thing: I never had anything to be jealous of because God made me the way He made me, when He made me for a specific reason. And I've seen some of those reasons over the past couple of years.

Moral(s) of the story: Being jealous of your friends kills relationships, so don't be jealous. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, God made you the way He made you for a reason. To have friends, you have to be a friend. And last, (and probably least) vote affirmative.